From the beginning of time, love has been one language that everyone is able to understand. It transcends everything, and that’s not surprising because God is everything. God is love.
Over time though in our quest for finding answers and making things work and the progression of human life and existence, man for so many reasons I can’t jump into at this point has managed to twist and distort life into ways and forms that are somewhat a little unimaginable how they got from their original point to the current point it’s at, and love painfully over romanticized, broken down and rebuilt from a mold that is almost unrecognizable.
The problem with this is that since love is what makes the world go round and since it’s being practiced in ways it was not supposed to be it then loses its original function therefore distorting the outcome. Because of all this I want to share with you a couple of things I know for a fact that love is not or is not.
I love you does not mean I will overlook your flaws and paint you as perfect.
True love is found in the desire to see the best version of you projected on out into the universe. A steady growth, development and evolution of ones existence.
I love you means that I will not sit back and watch you waste Everything that you are and everything that you have the potential to be.
I love you is not irrational jealousy. We can lie to ourselves and say it’s cuz we’re passionate but that’s just what it is, a lie to enable us feel better about our shitty attitudes and behavior. Jealousy is straight up distrust that stems from ownership or entitlement. People are not objects, you cannot posses them.
Love is not forcing two identities to become one. It’s more of a Venn diagram type of concept. Together but separate. Capable of existing separately but choosing to come together at certain points. It’s not dependency, it’s a partnership.
Love is not a panicked need for another. Love doesn’t need, it just is and it chooses to be regardless of whatever circumstances it’s surrounded by. Needing constant reassurance is not love. Attachment is motivated by insecurity.
Love doesn’t always have to be a forever thing. That’s an unrealized expectation because our nature as humans is to be dynamic and a function of being dynamic is growth, change and expansion. Which means it’s possible to outgrow someone which also means it’s possible to fall out of love if the work is not being put in. I’ve heard it said often that if you fall out of love you weren’t in love in the first place. Excuse me?
Love is not bitter or resentful. It doesn’t build up or store past hurts. Love creates an environment for open expression and the sorting or working through of emotions and differences.
Love is not unsupportive. It desires the best. How can you say you love someone yet are not supportive of them? Importance should be placed on the happiness of the individual and how that translates to the relationship. But a lot of times we fall into the trap of feeling we know better for an individual than they know for themselves. Maybe that’s true, maybe not. Ultimately it’s their life and if they’re happy, in love, you should be happy for them too.
Love is not unequal. Each person has the same value. Their desires, dreams, thoughts and feelings matter. Sure we may bring a different set to the table, but love doesn’t sideline cuz of that. It is always felt equally.
Love is not a scorecard.it is generous in its ability. It knows that it all equals out in the end. It is unconditional and doesn’t strive to always one up the other.
Love is not only concerned with physical gratification. That is just one aspect of it. Love sees the many facets and expressions of intimacy, and cultivates those areas. It seems all opportunities to connect physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Love isn’t petty, harmful or vengeful. That’s who and fear. It knows when to fight the good fight and when to compromise. It doesn’t battle over the fine print cuz it knows it’s aim is to win the war.
Love is not unaware. It knows how to exist in the tiny fragments of moments. It is a gentle whisper. A caress that understands the essence of you. The more it sees, experiences and appreciates, the more it multiplies.
Love is not a feeling. Feeling are fleeting if you let them be. Love is an action that you choose to partake in. You choose to commit. You choose to make time. You choose to stretch, expand and accommodate when & where necessary.
Love is not a substitute for personal healing and shadow work. It is not a bandaid you slip to cover up your hurts. It doesn’t come in to complete you, you have to strive towards completion of self. You have to be whole on your own, being able to provide for yourself, what you want and what you need before ever desiring it from another.
Love is not about self-sacrifice. It is a delicate balance of interdependence. It is about taking responsibility for yourself and your actions and then extending that to others when you are able. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Love yourself first before you ever try to love another.
Love is not sameness. We are all individuals. It’s an irrational expectation to expect another person to be identical to you or agree with you on every count. Love is acceptance, agreeing to disagree without hurt or pettiness.
Love is not addition. It’s multiplication. 1+1=2. 1×1=1. An entire unit each operating and existing individually. Complete whether as parts or as a whole. You get my drift? Lol.
Love isn’t forced. If you dread an encounter with someone and you claim you love them, you need to rethink your situation. Love is natural, you can’t fake or force it. It brings happiness, joy, laughter and peace.
Love isn’t alone. If you feel lonely and unsupported, then you are lonely and unsupported and guess what? That’s not love. Love is a two way street, an exchange of ideas, thoughts and actions.
Love isn’t pain. If it hurts it’s something else. Let’s stop romanticizing the idea of pain in love. It’s not it. Love is like a warm hug. It is safety. It is peace! It is when the happiness of another is the same as yours.
Love is choice, a deliberate act. It’s not something we fall in to, it is something we choose. It is relaxed, not anxious and insecure. As we step into the month of love, I hope we take the time out to actually reflect on what love means to us and what it actually is.
Who do you love?
Yours truly, Chalya.